Big Bucks Consulting

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Time: 5:50
© 1996 Incredible Vibrato, BMI
On "Business Blues" by Marketing Mike and the Suits
Avaialble through BizBlues Records at

My last review was an insult, now I get big bucks to consult
They think they're leaner and meaner, but I'm takin' 'em to the cleaner
My old company's numbers were pretty good , but the stock didn't go up like it should
So the board debated a layoff for days, but the CEO just got a raise
And sales were at all-time levels, so they would've been called greedy devils
Then they came to secret closure to do a layoff without public exposure

Get high-priced staff to quit, just call our work shit
They didn't even need a new tool, just give us all bad reviews
The board thought we'd never figure it out 'cause we wouldn't want the bad reviews to get out
No outplacement, severance or unemployment pay, they thought it was the best plan ever made
They lied to analysts about their real mission, they said they'd freeze headcount through normal attrition
The stock went up sure enough, but then I saw co-workers in the john throwin up

So on my hire date they turned to me, a horrible review to make me flee
They planned to use a kid at half my pay, maybe as low as 30K
They said I'd coasted for way too long, all I did was show up and hang on
Thought I'd get promoted, instead I got demoted
They hurt my dignity and pride, so I told 'em to take a ride
They fed me a huge ration of shit, I told 'em I quit

After eight weeks they started callin' every day, they said please call back today
Come back, forget that bad review, I said go away, I got better things to do
Two formal offers were weighin on my mind, so I could've left those jerks behind
They told me that review was something from the past, I told 'em to shove it up their ass
What happened to that kid you got for 30K? That was a mistake, he just got in the way
Please we want you back -- name us your price. I said forget it -- but you can pay me for advice

When I said I'd consult they were happy as could be, they wouldn't add headcount and another salary
No paid benefits so they thought they got a deal, but now my income level's so high it's unreal
I'm a vendor so they think they cut their costs

They're gonna have a stroke when I tell 'em to get lost
Let's see em brag when I bring em to their knees, their biggest rival just offered higher fees
Thought I'd be there my whole career, not bein' there made me scared
I thought I needed them more than the other way around , I didn't have a clue they held me down
Didn't think I'd make it without that weekly pay stub, now I belong to the best country club
Want to know how I found out about their plan? I heard it at the club from the personnel man
I'm so glad I quit after that review, I use pocket change to pay my club dues
You know these things really happen all the time, so don't stressed out, it'll all turn out fine
I'm having a good time these days, I'm just collecting lots of fees
Their biggest competitor's paying me twice as much
Who's insulted now?

The words above were written by a songwriter who is desperately trying to make a living. Copying, retransmission or unauthorized reuse of this work not only violates federal copyright law, punishable by civil and criminal sanctions, but is outright theft and harms this author's livelihood. Please don't do it. For special permission, contact BizBlues Records.

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